Is what we think or feel what really happened?
It is cute seeing my son Gavin deal with relationship troubles at his age (he is 5). What is humbling is that I still grapple with some of the same things at my age!
We were out on a play date, and he comes to me very upset. I ask “What happened?” … “HE spit on my face!” Of course I have been watching the whole interaction so I know that his little friend who is a couple of years younger was just rolling his lips pretending to be a horse or something like that, and there was no ill intention. Yet Gavin is sure that it was mean spirited. So I ask Gavin “are you sure that is what he meant to do… spit in your face? or could it have been an accident? could there be another reason?”
He is immediately stumped by my question. I follow up with…”did you ask him any questions like what is he doing? …could he have been playing horsey? …or being a speed boat? …and not realized he spat out?” I see the puzzling look in his face trying to consider these possibilities. His eyes were moving side to side, and i could see all the connections he was making… and then his upset took over and he says again, “No! He did it on purpose!” So then I acknowledge him, move his hair out of his face. “Ok. I see you are upset about what happened. Did you tell your friend to stop please? …that you didn’t like it, or explain why you are leaving upset? You need to have a conversation.” By this time he had calmed down a bit and so he turned around and went back to talk to his little buddy.
What it brought up in my mind though, was all the times this past week where I thought “this email was mean-spirited” or “that comment was not nice,” and like Gavin I was sure I knew the other person’s intentions were negative. My upset had taken over… but what actually did happen in all those cases?
How often do we assume our first negative reaction is fact, not question our perspectives, or even look for the best possible or most generous assumption?
Security… Which is best?
People, including myself, have often thought that financial success will bring about security. However as I look back over time when I have felt the most secure about my life, it has not been times when I have had financial security. Sure it is helpful to be doing well financially, no question. However I believe what Tim Hamilton, owner of Astonished Designs says “security comes from relationships.”
One of my easiest examples to share about this was when I was going through some financial trouble years ago. I desperately wanted to travel to a training which I had paid for already in advance. I was sure it was going to help me turn things around (and it did!). However, I couldn’t afford the airfare when it came time to go. I was talking to one of my friends about this. Then he asked me, “is this important to you?” Of course I said “yes” and then he said, “Done, I bought your ticket.”
One of my hardest examples was when I was pregnant and decided to co-parent with Gavin’s dad and be a single parent. My support network created the security I needed to be confident that I would be ok, and able to do this. People came out of everywhere to share their support. Gavin and I thrive because of our network, family, and friends.
Making sure you have strong relationships is the best kind of security.
Who do you support? Who has your back and you their’s? How do you nourish your support network?
Trust… is it always there?
Couples often come to learn dance privately with me for their wedding. So, we are working on the combination and sometimes things are not flowing. I dance with one and it works perfectly. I dance with the other, again… marvellous! So what’s going on?? TRUST! A lack of trust. They do so well with me because they trust me.
It’s not that these couples don’t have trust in their relationship. However, we often forget that trust needs to be re-affirmed every time we try something new with each other or when we are going to be vulnerable. It’s a very simple acknowledgement: “Ok let’s do this, we need to trust each other–Yes!” Once they agree to trust each other with this new step it’s like magic… they are flawless!
How often do we assume trust is present without cultivating or confirming it in reality?
Connection Spark #1
When someone comes to mind, do you let them know? I used to let those little moments pass, but I have learned that they take so little effort, and could mean a lot!